Breaking Up Language

I have been aware these days how the language I speak inside my head can make for a defeating prison. Imprisoning words, born of limitation, cloth and color my thoughts, at last shape my out-loud speaking.

My self-talk — the voice of a critical, judging self — controls me, reflecting back who I think I am. Lord knows what sort of “me” people on the outside see?

For as long as I can remember I’ve been looking for ways out, for relief; I believe I’ve found a sure-fire way.

I’m learning how to relax into verbal surrender. I break my prison-house chains of language by making up my own languages.  It’s any sort of gibberish non-sense, and it feels natural to me.

It’s a verbal, eruption break-out, driven by my exhaled breath–with utterances happening just as spontaneously as that.  At the instant it happens I am aware of it; I am physically conscious of it, of how it feels in my mouth and throat, on my tongue. I enjoy its rhythms and stops. Its spaces for listening. By this talk, I express my sheer, natural happiness. Speaking this way feels like full communication.

I believe my dog understands me most, when I speak this way to him. I don’t count him a regular listener, since he listens more profoundly than any human I know. I’m convinced by how we connect, he knows the very me of me.

My cat understands me at my very simplest. With my tongue I make a rising and falling pitched clicking sound, repeated, like he does, when excitedly he sees a bird close to the window, where he is sitting. His name I call is this clicking. He comes, sometimes.

Mostly, I address my “broken” non-sense speech into thin air, while in the middle of any activity, where no other humans are around. It appears when I need it most. Just before, I feel the situation is desperate.

When speaking happens, I sense that something of the invisible world has come closer and is more alive to me. Strangely, sometimes it can feel as if I am eavesdropping on an exchange which is not of myself at all; rather the “words” seem to issue from (and then return to) a host of invisible “others”, who are there and engaged happily (I should trust).

I guess I will be judged by others, by telling all of this in print. Sure thing, so I’m “off my nut”. It’s a wonderful madness. I feel blessed and powerful; humbled.

I’m committed to practicing this new liberation, letting it grow deeper roots. Come what highwater may.

Subtle worlds have opened to me, which I have never known. The invisible world seems more important than the visible. Life feels richer with my company of new companions in both worlds. I am happy, meeting myself for the first time. There’s no turning back.

For audio of text, read by author:

Breathing Three Space

Who would think it ever wise to take a break from breathing? Not I.
Still, simply put, breathing not at all, if only for an instant, is a powerful
way to feel Life and wake up to it.

To live more in the awareness of NOW.

There is a sweet spot in the rhythm of breathing, in the pause right between the exhale and the inhale. I found it one day without being aware how sweet it was. Then, sweetness came to me, when without breath I was aware I was there.

Peacefulness in the “no-hale”. Contentment. Feeling my heart beat its near silent song in my throat.

There may be a fancy Yogic or other name for this practice. I’ve yet to find it and be satisfied that it is named finally, for me.

When I am bamboozled by impossible, quintessential questions, put off and bothered with worry or over-thinking, I know I can choose to invigorate myself by going voluntarily to an experience of “no breath” ~ letting my breath go out and out and out to the very bottom–to that place of quiet stillness….savoring the peace.

As if I’m newborn, the air does at last come rushing in.

Here and there, anywhere in my day, I can choose to make such a soul-invigorating, delectable moment.