I have been aware these days how the language I speak inside my head can make for a defeating prison. Imprisoning words, born of limitation, cloth and color my thoughts, at last shape my out-loud speaking.
My self-talk — the voice of a critical, judging self — controls me, reflecting back who I think I am. Lord knows what sort of “me” people on the outside see?
For as long as I can remember I’ve been looking for ways out, for relief; I believe I’ve found a sure-fire way.
I’m learning how to relax into verbal surrender. I break my prison-house chains of language by making up my own languages. It’s any sort of gibberish non-sense, and it feels natural to me.
It’s a verbal, eruption break-out, driven by my exhaled breath–with utterances happening just as spontaneously as that. At the instant it happens I am aware of it; I am physically conscious of it, of how it feels in my mouth and throat, on my tongue. I enjoy its rhythms and stops. Its spaces for listening. By this talk, I express my sheer, natural happiness. Speaking this way feels like full communication.
I believe my dog understands me most, when I speak this way to him. I don’t count him a regular listener, since he listens more profoundly than any human I know. I’m convinced by how we connect, he knows the very me of me.
My cat understands me at my very simplest. With my tongue I make a rising and falling pitched clicking sound, repeated, like he does, when excitedly he sees a bird close to the window, where he is sitting. His name I call is this clicking. He comes, sometimes.
Mostly, I address my “broken” non-sense speech into thin air, while in the middle of any activity, where no other humans are around. It appears when I need it most. Just before, I feel the situation is desperate.
When speaking happens, I sense that something of the invisible world has come closer and is more alive to me. Strangely, sometimes it can feel as if I am eavesdropping on an exchange which is not of myself at all; rather the “words” seem to issue from (and then return to) a host of invisible “others”, who are there and engaged happily (I should trust).
I guess I will be judged by others, by telling all of this in print. Sure thing, so I’m “off my nut”. It’s a wonderful madness. I feel blessed and powerful; humbled.
I’m committed to practicing this new liberation, letting it grow deeper roots. Come what highwater may.
Subtle worlds have opened to me, which I have never known. The invisible world seems more important than the visible. Life feels richer with my company of new companions in both worlds. I am happy, meeting myself for the first time. There’s no turning back.
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